round sunglasses-aldo

casio watch-aa

white high top converse

velvet body suit-aa

mesh shirt-aa

casual vacancy-bnn

I don’t think about you every day any more-but when you do cross my mind, its a hopeless, bottomless hurt that takes me over. when something reminds me of you, when someone writes on your facebook page, when someone brings up a picture of you, it hurts. I wonder how long it will continue to hurt for. I remember your face and your laugh as I write this-as it goes every time I write about you. I don’t expect anyone to understand nor listen, so I don’t know what to do. Hector, tell me what to do. I look up, I stare at the sky, I gaze up in to the true unknown-the inevitable settles upon me. Are you there watching me? Are you somewhere smiling down at me and forgiving me for all the times I was rude to you? Or are you relishing in the memories and conversations we had? I miss you so much still. The thought of you not being there anymore, it fucking destroys me. and I can’t decide whether to be angry or hurt or disappointed or distraught. tell me hector, send me a fucking sign and tell me what Im supposed to feel. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL. why the fuck did you leave. we talked a couple days before you were murdered, we spoke and I had no idea it would be one of the last times. and your killer is still unknown. whoever put those gun shots in your head is still out there, roaming a free world, being a free man. and I cant help but sit here and think about how unfair it is-how unfair everything turned out to be. hector, I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish you were alive, I wish you were here, I wish you weren’t doing what you did, I wish everything was different. I would bring you back, do anything to bring you back. why god, why did you do this to me. why did you do this to him. why did you do this. where is the “god” that loves and adores. where is your god. because he took you hector, and nobody can do anything to bring you back. nothing can be done.

I miss you, I miss you.

I love you.

RIP

im leaving and im leaving nothing behind.

hollow walls, hollow spaces, hollow mind.

everything is empty, and meaningless.

I talk to you but you don’t talk back.

I am leaving nothing behind.

Walking away and leaving nothing behind.

the smiths are so wonderful.

on saturday i became extremely intoxicated and all i remember is grabbing a laptop and blaring the smiths while everyone around me had mindless conversation

i sang so loud

and i was so happy

all alone

i was happy

you disappeared like everything else in my life

suddenly. 

“kristen shut up and listen to me, are you happy?”

somebody asked me that today while i was in the middle of a sentence, and i dont think ill forget that for a long time. i think it impacted me more because of who it was that asked me; a real fucked up kid, thats who. someone who cares for noone and treats girls like objects. and he had the nerve to ask ME that. but then it got me to thinking about how i really felt. Its peculiar but in a way i suppose ive been using him as an outlet every other day for half an hr to yell at someone else; to vent my anger elsewhere. and i didnt tell him anything. not even a shudder of reply rippled through me, nothing. i stayed quiet and my mind is still quiet and everything in me is quiet and the silence troubles me because my mind is never silent, im never silent.

people are always searching for something. but hardly anybody knows what that something is. hardly anybody moves through life with a certain purpose, a reason to wake up every morning; then where does that leave us. alone, and so uncertain as to when we will come to find ourselves. are we all just struggling in some warped tug of war with the world? will we ever be satisfied. i dont know what im searching for. perhaps the type of shelter everyone craves isnt as obvious as books tell us it is. perhaps definitions dont appear as rapidly as we’d all like them too. but where does that leave us. again lost, again alone, again hopeless. again hopeless. where is the unearthed possibility of surprise and happiness. where did the unselfish and untouched feelings of love disappear in to the night. when did we let these things slip from our grasp. i don’t know where i am, i dont anything. and im becoming another soul just like the rest of them, in a perpetual search for something unknown. everything i have written on hear depicts my fears-in every single thing i have written i am afraid. i live afraid. i live separated from myself, i am beside myself. i feel like i am one of those that people feel sorry for, but theres nothing to feel sorry for. you are, if not worse, trapped in a hole that you will forever struggle to free yourself from. you are, if not worse, something i never chose to be. nobody did. nobody wants to feel lost and alone, but we are destined to be that way. we are destined to be this, and that is all we will be.

i think i may have gotten a great opportunity to move out after i graduate.

i feel like if i take this chance, i’ll finally have everything i have wanted for so long. my own space, my own freedom, my own opportunity to decorate. it sounds silly and frivolous but its all i want. if this doesnt fall through i dont know where i will end up. it makes me laugh because just two weeks ago i knew exactly what i wanted and in a couple days everything changed. things change all the time and im never quite prepared for it. i hope this works out for me.

i’m so tired of being afraid. i want to let you in. i feel like i stop myself from being happy because i automatically assume that everyone is going to let me down. i don’t know why i do this to myself, but i do, so i have learned to deal with it. i am scared. i think i have loved you, always loved you, since i met you. i love your laugh, your humor, your walk, everything. i love that i love how annoying you can be. i love that i love how much i try to hate you. i don’t know how much longer i can go on disguising how i feel. i don’t know when the point will come that i will finally be able to admit to myself that i feel this way. for now, though, i feel like i might continue on pushing you away and masking my feelings. i’m sorry if you don’t want to wait, but i don’t know when it will be that i will be able to open up to you. it scares me so much.

that is all i’ve ever known, all i’ve ever told myself. there is a difference between wanting something and depending on it. i don’t believe in addiction-mentally weak people fall prey to that idea. so how does a girl who has grown up so detached from the outside become to deeply engrossed with someone. i’m scared. and it scares me because it isn’t knew to me. for five years, she was all i knew, all i wanted. she was why i made it through the pivotal years, the reason i didn’t allow myself to fall in to the hormone induced depression so many other people face. she was the reason i laughed and smiled, the reason i became so strong. she was my equal, never above me and never below. she was my light, my happiness. i broke my will to remain detached and clung on to her-and five years later, five years of friendship over, I still catch myself clinging on to the lingering idea of her. I find myself still holding on to the person she was, to her nasal laughs and wild hair. to all the tears she shed by me, through all the smiles she graced me with. I find myself still longing to be sung to sleep by her, to be consoled by her. when I get good news, the magic in it is lost because i stare at my phone blankly craving her voice and approval. and when I thought I would never meet someone again to fill the hole she left inside me, I did. when i least expected it i was graced with the presence of another girl. this time, not so subtle. this time, not so sweet and peaceful. she was harsh and blunt in her actions and words. she was broken beyond measure and chose to me to help hold her broken world together. and again, that dependency i so often link to weakness is pulling at me. I fear that I will not ever be able to become close to anyone. ever. I fear that everything I have learned will keep me from ever becoming entranced by someone else. beyond everything else i am scared-and I feel like I will be forever waiting for someone to erase my fears, and make my world okay again.

i laugh at myself. a lot. it is almost as if i don’t know what i’m doing when i do it. i remember sitting next to you and not being in my preferred state of mind. i remember holding your hand and it was so soft and comfortable. you were comfortable. i remember waking up every hour because my alarm would keep coming on. i remember not knowing how or when i was going home—but you were there and wherever you were meant a calming peacefulness followed. i wasn’t worried one moment that night. i remember you sleeping and me waking up and thinking how stupid i was. i still wake up and think about how stupid i was. people mean nothing to me and that scares me. i don’t intentionally tell myself not to care about people. i’m not someone who struggles to stay closed and away from people, struggles to keep her emotions in check. i just have a knack to not let myself get attached or harbor any sort of feelings towards anyone. i am so exhausted. i’m tired of not being able to let anyone in. i’m tired of not being able to look past people’s flaws. i’m tired of not being able to talk to anyone about what i want to talk about. i’m tired of people not listening. i wish i wasn’t so detached. i wish i was able to love people like people love each other. i hate laying in bed watching all the people who i could have been happy with be happy with someone else because i’m so unbearable to deal with. i wish i could open up. i wish i wasn’t so afraid of getting close to people. i wish i could have let you in because now the sound of your name irks me. running in to you twists my insides and makes me feel unable to continue on walking. why have i become like this. why have i become so completely unable to foster any type of feeling towards any one/thing. i’m so tired of myself, of my hopeless self.

• sublime
• the white stripes
• neutral milk hotel
• the black keys
• the strokes
• the cure
• streetlight manifesto
• best coast

when i sit down and listen to modest mouse or miniature tigers and drink coffee and keep my blinds open im happy. i don’t get it. if little details aren’t correct in any situation, i’m not happy. but when stupid things go right, my whole day is made. i like sitting on my porch in my pajamas and watching the way things move. i like waking up to no one and the quiet that seems to be so untouched and simple in the mornings. i believe i need to leave.

i dont feel like being on tumblr tonight because i just burned the two greatest cds for my car and im excited and tired

x

i’ve been craving the idea of meeting someone who is one hundred percent compatible with me

someone who likes photography and music and scenery and pretty as much as I do

i feel like i just won’t find that here, i think that’s why i want to go away so badly

always searching for something i’m not even aware of